Forgiveness, yes: but not before repentance

Moyra Doorly explains why so so many of those who have suffered
child abuse cannot forgive their abusers; and why they are right
H 6 ow .t: become a H 6 ow .t: become a survivor and stop bein a victim'. This was the title and subject of a recent article in The Catholic Herald written by Vanessa Welch, who described the process of coming to forgive her abusers and the self-transformation this brought about. As someone who also experienced childhood abuse by a family member, I feel compelled to respond.
First of all, I am grateful to Vanessa Welch for helping me bring this issue into focus. The question of forgiveness and the obligations we are under to forgive has been on my mind for some time and I, too, was aware that a call had been made to victims of abuse to forgive their abusers. My reaction to this call, however, puts me in the same camp as those who are quoted in the article as supporting the victims of abuse, those who claim that ".... such victims cannot or should not be expected to forgive their abusers," I am not surprised by this reaction which Vanessa Welch describes as "angry". I reacted angrily to it. Those making the call to forgive suggest meditating on the "Our Father", in which we pray, "Forgive us our trespasses. As we forgive those who trespass against us." My problem is that this alone puts me in the position of being responsible, somehow. The onus was on me to forgive, whether or not the person had expressed any remorse, let alone asked to be forgiven. It felt like a burden was being placed on me and that nothing was being asked of my abuser. Surely there has to be more to it than that.
It was only by studying the Catechism of the Catholic Church and by consulting a wise priest on several occasions that my indignation was abated. Calling for abuse
victims, or indeed anyone who has been wronged, to forgive is all well and good. But unless the full picture is given, it is a empty and meaningless call. Because forgiveness involves a process and, according to (CCC 1448), it requires two equally essential elements — the person who has committed the wrong and God's action through the intervention of the Church. Relying on the exhortation to forgive in the "Our Father" without fully appreciating the importance of this process sidesteps these essential elements and cannot result in forgiveness, at least not in accordance with its traditional meaning.
According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church "Only God forgives sins." (CCC 1441). This had the immediate effect of lifting that unnecessary burden. If my abuser has shown no remorse and this was evidenced by his refusal to ask God for forgiveness, then surely I am in no position to forgive even if I wanted to. It is not my place to do so. Further reading of the Catechism (especially CCC 1450– 1450) and conversations with my wise priest enlightened me further.
There are three essential stages to the process of forgiveness. The first of these is Contrition, and according to CCC 1451, "Contrition is sorrow of the soul and detestation for the sin communed, together with the resolution not to sin again." The person has to really come to an understanding of the wrong they have done and sincerely resolve to turn from that path.
The second stage is Confession, and according to CCC 1455, "Through such an admission the man looks squarely at the sins he is guilty of, takes responsibility for them, and thereby opens himself again to God and to the communion of the Church in order to make a new future possible."
The third stage is Satisfaction
and this stage is in two parts. The first, according to CCC 1459 involves repairing the harm done to the victim, which simple justice requires. The second stage involves repairing the harm done to the sinner himself through acts of penance which correspond as far as possible with the gravity and nature of the sins committed. Traditionally penance involves the three-fold acts of prayer, fasting and alms-giving. (CCC 1460).
Corning to understand more deeply this beautiful and wonderfully mysterious process of forgiveness has been more than consoling for me. Essential to it are the actions of God arid the person who has perpetrated the offence. God and the sinner are the prime movers in this matter. According to my wise priest, my role is to pray for the sinner to be bought to the first stage of contrition so that the process can begin, which is just about possible.
I can well understand the desire not to be possessed by anger, bitterness and resentment at perpetrated wrongs – the state of being a victim, according to Vanessa Welch. If being a survivor instead means being free of those destructive states then I am all for it. Then a question popped into my mind while pondering these terms, Was Christ a victim of the Crucifixion, or was He a survivor? His call from the Cross was, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." "Forgive them", and not "I forgive you." Another question then followed – do the perpetrators of abuse know what they are doing. My guess is that they do, only too well.
Implicit in the distinction between victim and survivor is an understandable desire to take courage from an experience rather than continually be subservient to it. Here again my priest was able to offer a way forward. "If
through your suffering you can identify yourself more closely with Christ's sufferings on the Cross, that would be a heroic act." he said. Buzz phrases like "self empowerment" seem to fade into nothing when compared to terms like "heroic" in this context. Just as it is not in my power to forgive unless God has first forgiven, neither can I claim any power as my own.
It's not as if I haven't tried to forgive in the way that Vanessa Welch describes. Some years ago I was the victim, yes the victim, of a Freehold scam which left me homeless and worse off (at today's prices) by roughly £150,600, a considerable sum by anyone's standards. The scam attracted a lot of publicity and resulted in the Housing Act being amended to prevent it happening again.
Itried to forgive the man, I really did, by praying the "Our Father" and by asking for God's help to forgive. It seemed to work, for a while, until an incident some years later brought home to me the full implications of the fraud that had been committed. My anger, or rather rage, came rushing to the surface and I realised that I had been in a state of denial and unable to admit to myself the true extent of my own anger.
Thankfully I had my wise priest and the Catechism to turn to. I now pray that God will bring this fraudster to the realisation of what he has done so that the three stage process of forgiveness can begin, for his sake and not for mine. I can't forgive him at this stage, not because 1 don't want to but because it is not in my power to do so.
Call me old-fashioned. please do, but "God, help me to forgive Wm." is no longer my prayer. My new prayer is, instead, "May God forgive him."