Meltdown

I HAVE received a stem ticking off from Church House, where Mgr Nicholas Rothon, the Millennium Officer for our side, hangs out. Mgr Rothon wishes to correct my assertion that the much-vaunted Millennium candles, which he tells me are "really cool", will not fit through the average sized letter-box when sent out in advance of the big night.
"The candle itself is 2.5 inches by 0.5 inches and comes in a polycarbonate holder 2.25 inches wide and tapering to 1.5 inches and 3.75 inches high," Mgr Rothon informs me, with admirable attention to detail.
"We are recommending that it should be handed out to individuals as a personal gift... not simply left on doorsteps with no explanation."
No way
CANDLES or no candles, I can report that there is one way in which, curiously enough, our clergy will not be marking the Millennium: with a blast of Jewish wedding singing.
At a function in the Holy Land the other week, my friend Mgr Rothon was so overcome by the warblings of a crooner that he moved tables to escape the din, refusing to join in with a collective rendition of My Way. Spoilsport.
Footbull focus
BRAZILIAN authorities have ordered a red-blooded priest to call off the ceremonial slaughter of a bull — aimed at improving the fortunes of a local football team. Errant Fr Edu was persuaded by police to call off the sacrifice after animal rights groups won an eleventh hour injunction.
The dismayed priest said that the gory ritual was the only thing that would pull his team out of a 30-year losing streak. I'm not convinced.
Pope talk
AND mu. on the waning fortunes of Brazilian football, I hear that mercurial gap-toothed superstar Ronaldo (left) received spiritual nourishment on Sunday from a certain Polish one-time goalkeeper with a penchant for Fila tracksuits.
The injury-prone Internazionale player; whose funny turn in France last year cost his country the World Cup, has never fully returned to form and after last year's debut audience, when the Pope failed to recognise him, decided a rematch might help lift his game.
He said before his blessing on Sunday: "Before our recent league game against Lazio I went to the Vatican. I was blessed by a senior cardinal and it did me a lot of good.
"What I only ask is for a little peace from the Italian fans who always place me under pressure."
Park strife
STAMP FOOTIES in leafy Surrey. Neighbours of Fr Timothy Buckley, parish priest of St Aidan's, Coulsdon, drove him to distraction by parking in his church car park. So when he decided enough was enough and had them clamped, they had the nerve to complain and to chastise Mass-goers for daring to park in their road — sin of sins — on Sundays.
"Tim Buckley appears to think they have a God-given right to do as they please," splutters local resident Mary Barker. Fr Buckley replies: "We didn't object to people parking in the beginning, and we let it go for three or four years, but when people came to Mass, sometimes even the disabled bays were already taken.
"We put notes through people's doors asking them to stop, but it didn't work. There were even cars there for sale."
"Then we had a very big funeral and there was no room in the car park at all. That was the last straw."
Dr's Caries
MILLENNIUM update (part 3). I can reveal that the much-travelled Archbishop of Canterbury has a pressing engagement in Germany later this month.
Dr Carey is due to deliver a talk on "The Millennium and the Soul of Europe" to the Academie fiir Zahnarzliche Fortbildung, BadenWuntemberg, otherwise known as the Karlsruhe Advanced Dental Institute — which, I think you'll agree, is a long way to go for a free filling.
Veil of ignorance
To DOMESTIC pressures. I understand that a certain bishop of the Westminster diocese is under siege from the wives of priests formerly of the Anglican persuasion. The good ladies are in a tizz over the domestic arrangements in their new accommodation and up in arms about pressing matters such as the absence of frilly knicker (sorry, net) curtains.
The bishop (whose name, I regret, would be wrong to publish under such already trying circumstances) is at the end of his tether, having been plagued by phone calls from the disgruntled ladies, as they realise just how unprepared we are for their arrival.
MARTIN MARPRELATE
please e-mail me: marprelate g hotmail.com