‘We should stop criticising people’
The Church is keen to promote 'National Marriage Week', but what does it mean? Andrew M Brown is not sure
13 February 2009

Bishop John Hine, auxiliary bishop in Southwark, chairs the bishops' Marriage and Family Life Committee. To mark "National Marriage Week", which ends on Saturday (February 14, Valentine's Day), Bishop Hine spoke to The Catholic Herald. We met at the bishops' conference offices in Pimlico, near Victoria station.

Elizabeth Davies, project officer for that committee, also came along. So did Christina Lepore of the Catholic Communications Network. Christina had a recording device. When I showed an interest in its flashing LEDs, the bishop said: "I think he's fixing it for you!"

I found this a disheartening interview. I see myself as a mainstream Catholic who respects bishops and wants to give them a chance. I'm married with young children, so, of course, family life interests me. Perhaps it was my clumsy questioning but at times Bishop Hine appeared to be unsure of what he was supposed to say, diffident and tetchy. Elizabeth Davies, on the other hand, came across as friendly and in command of her brief. She clearly believed in what she was doing.

I asked the bishop what National Marriage Week was for. "Right," he said. "Basically, I understand it's to highlight the value and purpose of marriage in our society and to put it in a positive light and celebrate it, I think." To Elizabeth he said: "Is that right? About that?"

He went on: "The organising body for National Marriage Week is not the Church or churches, is it? It's, as far as I know, it's a sort of secular body isn't it? It's very much espousing the same causes as we are."

So it's to promote marriage as a state of life, is it? "Have you got my little statement there?" He pointed to a handout bearing "Bishop John's message".

"I think that actually says, I think, what I was putting out really about National Marriage Week."

Shortly before we met, the Children's Society had published an interesting survey into the state of childhood in Britain. I had brought a copy with me.

"One of the things it says there," Bishop Hine said, "if I recollect rightly because I've only read reports - I haven't actually read the report itself, I'm at a slight disadvantage there - is basically it says one of the most important things for good outcomes for children is the relationship between the parents and particularly the whole area of communication."

It surprised me that he hadn't found time, or been sufficiently curious, to actually read the Children's Society report, especially since in "Bishop John's message" on Bishop Hine's press handout, he refers to it authoritatively.

Society, the bishop thinks, doesn't adequately support fidelity in marriage. "It's quite difficult for people when they live in a world in which people they know have split up and gone their own way. It can leave couples trying to live their marriages rather lonely."

The parishes offer an answer: this is one of the bishop's key themes. "In our parishes we have to try and create really welcome, friendly communities. The Church should avoid denouncing, criticising what's happening in people's lives. What we've got to do is concentrate on the positive."

I put it to him that people sometimes say: what do celibate men know about marriage? "First of all I'd say it's rather like saying to a doctor: have you had measles? If not, you can't treat my measles.

"But secondly, I spent a lot of time as a priest working with organisations like Marriage Encounter and in that you would listen to couples sharing the reality of their lives together. Their struggles and difficulties and joys, you know. Sometimes there seems no way ahead at all but just through sheer perseverance they can get over it. If you try and communicate at a feeling level then sometimes that begins to open the door slightly, but it is difficult."

With divorced and remarried Catholics, there is "a real difficulty".

"A big part of the role of the Church is to stand up for the values of marriage that Christ taught. There's no way that that is going to change. I always recommend that these people go and see their own priest. I think it's a far better way of dealing with it than 'the rules are all wrong, let's change the rules'."

But the priest's advice can only be that divorced and remarried people can't receive Communion, can't it?

"You see, I don't think that's the only issue. Very often the Catholics' concern will be primarily for the children of their marriage. They want them to understand the same values that they did, to love the Lord, and so on. You have to always look at these pastoral problems in their context and see how you can encourage people. If you've got a Church that really is intent on proclaiming fidelity in marriage you can't do that and then have a situation which is seen in some way to contradict it. I think the Lord takes people where they are at."

Does that mean a divorced and remarried person is cut off forever from a vital means of grace?

"The Lord is not confined by his own sacraments. There are all sorts of other ways of grace, aren't there, as well. That is the most important one in many ways. It's living as part of the community. You expect to be fed by the Lord in the heart of the community. But it's not the only way."

Is there is any way to repair that breach?

"Well you can always look at the possibility of an annulment. That's the first step. And, quite surprisingly, there can be real causes. Very often it is the way out."

We talked of adoption, how it was "totally inappropriate" of the Government to apply equality legislation to the adoption of children; how Bishop Hine missed the fulfilling life of a parish priest.

Then, suddenly, the bishop said: "What I'm kind of disappointed about, though, is you haven't asked me anything about the whole work of Marriage and Family Life that we're doing. We've talked about problems, and moral problems and so on, and society."

Elizabeth agreed - I hadn't asked anything about the work of the committee. Bishop Hine seemed irritated. I felt useless. I asked him to explain.

"Ok," he said. "You want to know? Really you want to know? In 2004 we did a huge consultation, and about 15,000 families took part around the country, to try and find out what sort of support are you looking for from your church and that's all written up in a report there. From that we have listened to it and we have worked with what we distilled as the three priorities that they expressed.

"They wanted family-friendly parishes. How can you judge whether your parish is really family-friendly? And we did a lot of work with people who did feel slightly excluded, and said so. And that led to those leaflets you've got - those are the ones aren't they?"

Elizabeth said: "It all came out of the Listening project. You've heard of that?

Listening 2004: My Family My Church was a vast "pastoral listening project". Through the parishes, Elizabeth and her team sent out a million leaflets containing "conversation starters" to find out how well the Church supported the family.

Elizabeth explained that as a result of the feedback "came the need to develop welcoming parishes as the first line" with, for instance, "somebody smiling at you", "disability legislation" and "signage". Out of that came Everybody's Welcome, a series of leaflets designed to make parishes more friendly and "family-sensitive". The bishop picked up a leaflet. "Have a look at one of these," he said, patiently. "I'll show you how it works, ok?"

He points to the leaflet. "What's it like to be someone with a mental health problem in a parish? [Here are] quotes from what they have actually said. Okay that's what it's like. What does this mean for parishes? What can we do about it really to help these particular people feel integrated and welcome? These are designed really not to be handed out, but so that parish councils can work with them, you know, devise strategies for their community."

I suggested that people might think this sounds bureaucratic, impersonal, bossy. Bishop Hine went back to the leaflets. "Some of these are actually quotes from people who have got a mental problem. So it's coming out of their experience, their needs. We're very careful not to theorise about it."

Elizabeth understood what I meant. "There are people who are really turned off by all this and I can accept that. You know, I've worked with people who feel exactly the same way. However, sadly it doesn't mean I can go home [laughter]. It's finding ways to enable people to maybe think about others a little. And the structures that we have are what we have. To be honest, they have been quite well received."

The third and latest project is Home is a Holy Place. It comes with a glossy brochure and a DVD.

"You can use it with people who are slightly on the fringe of Church," the bishop said. "It can suddenly open their eyes."

On the train home, I read the Listening 2004 document and pondered it. Response rates to the million leaflets were variable - ranging from six per cent to as low as 0.03 per cent. Commenting on the poor take-up the authors have this to say: "One might easily see in this a need for more adult formation in the skills of reflection and discernment." That, I would suggest, is putting it mildly.